Mom is not the grandma I thought she’d be - January 2025 Babies | Forums | What to Expect (2025)

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j

I don't think you're over reacting. but I'm used to having a mom who is extremely helpful and involved. if I got the responses that you are getting from yours I would be shocked and disappointed.
I feel like she's trying to dismiss your feelings when she says "omg why are you crying?"
obviously you're crying because you're exhausted and overwhelmed . that just seems like a really unhelpful and very unsympathetic response

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m

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m

I’m so sorry to hear about this - I was just talking to some friends about how some parents are like what you describe (i did parenting already now I’m done) and some are helpful, want to be involved and want to learn what’s best for the kids. I think (and so do my friends!) your feelings are totally valid. I do have one friend whose mom changed from one to the other - she wanted to be more helpful/involved after baby #3 came along - because my friends mom started hanging out with other grandmas who thought it was normal to be helpful. She got peer pressured into it in the best way!

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f

did your mom express she was gonna be a highly involved grandparent when you were first pregnant and this was a sudden shift in her behavior or did you just assume she'd be involved because that's how you see yourself as a grandmother in the future? I feel like if there is a shift, there may be something more to it than meets the eye (sometimes health issues changes personalities) but if it's just a miscommunication issue, then that's just unfortunate. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is to not have someone to talk to about issues but I can't even imagine dealing with parenthood on top of that. (ftm here so no baby just yet)

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o

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S

I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve also been incredibly disappointed with my parents. My expectations were probably set too high based on how great my in laws are. Plus my parents were not great when I was growing up but I still had hopes anyway and it’s been really hard. I wish I had a normal mother/daughter relationship with her, it makes me really sad to not feel that. But it just makes me want work hard to be sure my daughter never feels that way and always feels loved and cared for.

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R

I hear this. Mine are also not super involved. I’m lucky to have very helpful in laws, but I’ll just chime in that even with them, they give my kids tons of junk and let them stay up late when they do babysit. That’s just grandparents. I think with family babysitting you have to let things go a little. Some food dye and non organic snacks are fine occasionally. not saying thats going to solve your problems, but wondering if that might be a source of tension and resentment from your mom. not that it excuses her if she is taking that out on you!

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w

I can relate in a way. My dad is not within favor range, but when we talk he is so focused on himself and barely asks how I’m doing with the pregnancy. When I talk about it he acts like I’m either boring or being “emotional.” And my mom is not around anymore. People say becoming a parent will make you appreciate the sacrifices your parents made and I do, but I also see all the ways I plan to do better or even sometimes can’t imagine how they could have done so badly! My dad cannot remember anything about my childhood. He seems amazed at how much time and attention I give my daughter. There are so many things I want to teach her that no one bothered to teach me. I really don’t get it. It seems like they saw us as nothing more than particularly needy roommates???

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I felt this with my mom. I expected her to be here more and spending time with the kids but it’s minimal. She lives two blocks away from me. I’m a stay at home mom and she is retired. I thought we could get lunch and spend time together but I’ve only been able to get her to get lunch with me one time in 4 years. She’s never just dropped in during the day or said why don’t you stop by with the kids. I understand how you feel. I had to mourn the relationship I thought we were going to have during this phase of life. Now I just accept it for what it is and don’t try to push for anything more.

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N

I’m sorry you are feeling this way and it’s totally valid. My MIL and FIL can’t help or won’t offer at all. It’s always a burden. Not once do they offer to watch the kids or have them over, they don’t take them out anywhere since they are home bodies themselves and it’s pointless to even ask because when they do have them for one to two hours they just complain, they don’t want to eat anything, they are looking sick all the time (my kids are average built, lean but a little shorter in height) yet they offer candies and chocolate since that will make them eat something even when I tell them not to give these things. My mom on the other hand is my true saviour. She loves my kids and misses them all the time and always offers to watch them and play with them. I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending my kids over if that’s their attitude all the time so I just don’t bother.